If I could …

If there were a late night television informational commercial that sold a knife that when stabbed into someone would incite sincerity, I would gladly watch that show, and buy that knife, and stab you in your insincere heart. Damn it, I love you that much. Don’t ask me why; I just do.

If there were a condom that I could use that when placed on my penis turned back time on my penis and prevented it from entering your sister, I swear Leslie, I swear to God, I would put that condom on. But there just isn’t that condom, so we’ve got to get through this, you know? Our love is all the magic time traveling condom we’ve got.

If there were a button that I could push, that would take the ugly from your face and replace it with beauty, I would do it; I would push that button so fast. But there’s no button, and I can’t push it, so we’ve got to make do, baby. You’ve just got to wear this bag. This bag is all the magic ugly removing beauty inducing button we’ve got.

If there were a puppy that I could buy you that would eat all this hate that I feel for you, and crap it out in the neighbors’ yard so we wouldn’t have to deal with it ever, ever again, and when they would come to the door I would not answer or if I answered I would say that our dog died, baby, I would buy that puppy so fast and feed it all this hate and let it into the backyard and let it crap and I would lie, I swear honey, I would lie to our neighbors, Leslie, I would do it. But I can’t honey, there just ain’t enough magic hate eating puppies in the world. This hand sweeping the dinner you made me off of the table and onto the floor is all the hate devouring puppy we’ve got.

If there were a sincerity button that I could push, I swear, I would push it, I want to be so sincere to you so badly, but I don’t have that button; I just don’t. So I’ve got to patronize you baby, because my patronizing you is all the sincerity button we’ve got.

If there were a machine that I could switch on and drive our son to soccer practice in, I swear Leslie, I promise, I would steal that machine this instant and would switch into high gear and would drive and drive and drive until Josh was at soccer practice, on time even. But baby, sweetie, there just isn’t a machine to switch on and drive him in, not to soccer practice, not to anywhere, so I’ve just got to take this ice pick, and I’ve just got to make do and drive it into Josh’s soccer ball, because like it our not, baby, and you know I don’t like it, this ice pick is all the magic on/off take us places machine we’ve got.

If there were a seasoning that I could create for you, a seasoning that would make this terrible food you made taste better, so I could choke it down, oh my God my lovely, I would lie, cheat, and steal to get that precious spice into your hands. But Leslie, we could argue all night and that wouldn’t bring us that fantastic spice that would make this awful food able to be swallowed, so girl, you’ve just got to cook my steak again, because damn it, in this crazy world, you cooking my steak again is all the magic makes food that once was not able to be digested digestable seasoning that we’ve got.

If Hershey made a candy bar that was available for purchase at a local grocery store that would make you feel better about your mother dying, honey, you know I would sprint to the ends of the earth to get to that local grocery store and pay all the money I have to get you that candy bar made by Hershey so you could feel better about your mother dying, you know me and you know I would do it, Leslie. But damm it all to hell, Hershey just doesn’t make that candy bar, so we’ve just got to fight and claw to get through this, you with me, darling? Because right now, my watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” is all the emotion repairing candy bar we’ve got.

If there were a hat that I could put on and make me care about what you are talking about, I swear, I would put that hat on so fast you wouldn’t believe it, baby, but that hat just doesn’t exist; it’s just not for sale at any retail store. So we’ve got to make do, we’ve got to take what we can get. Your shutting up is all the magic sympathy attention granting hat we’ve got.

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